Create

Create

I have secretly always had the desire to create. It's clearly innate in me. When I was younger, I used to save up my money to secretly purchase sketchbooks. When I was supposed to be doing homework or cleaning my room, I would quietly sketch things that I drew. I was never very good, but I was convinced that I had (and still h

ave) the eye of an artist. I see things that I am not sure others see the same way, I just haven't yet figured out how to get it onto paper. I see "art" everywhere and I am grateful for that part of the gift at least, though I wished desperately to be an artist. As I got a little older, I decided I wanted to be a writer. So, I did the same thing, I began to secretly keep journals where I would write down lines to poems that I'd never finished or the beginnings of stories that I would come to never complete. I had the heart and soul of a writer. I still do, and yet I struggle to get the words down on paper the same way that they're conjured up in my head.

I also tried my hand at music. I had the soul of a musician. I'd always loved music and wished that I could create music myself. I know how magical it is. I used to carry around a tape recorder (I really wish I still had those tapes) and record words to songs that I'd try to write- and some vocal journalings.

My family wasn't really musically inclined. None of my siblings played any instruments growing up, and neither did my parents, with the exception of my dad who tried the trumpet for a few months. When I was in fifth grade, I decided to join the orchestra and play the violin. I loved it, but at the time, my family couldn't afford to purchase a violin for me, and so I had to borrow the school's. However, when I was in sixth grade, I decided to join band. When I signed up, I had no idea what instrument I would play, but my band director knew. Mr. Bailey said I should play the flute, so I decided that's what I'd do. I loved it. My dad was able to get a flute for me. I would stay up late practicing, using a rolled up towel in between the gap of the door and the floor. I practiced all the time. I became pretty good and though I started at a beginner level, my band director soon started giving me intermediate music and by the next year, I was in advanced band. It was awesome! I continued to play through about the tenth grade when my flute was broken and so was my heart. Playing the flute had been the only success I'd had at creating something, anything. We couldn't really afford to purchase a new flute, so I had to quit band.

So, you see, I've always wanted to create... always. And, I've always seemed to fail. Now, I know it's not too late and of course I can continue to develop skills. In high school, I decided to take an art class and in college, I took a ceramics course. I loved both. I also decided to learn how to play the guitar and purchased one while in college, but only really learned one song. In college, I took some creative writing classes and came out with a couple of decent products.. But it just hasn't been enough yet to satisfy this longing and craving to create. Since graduating from undergrad, I hadn't really had the time to work on developing any of those talents. I went off to Taiwan to teach English and gave all that I had to teaching and living and surviving in a foreign country where I hardly knew the language. Though it was one of the best experiences of my life and though I learned a lot, it did not leave much room or energies to create (though I did make a greater effort to keep a journal while there... I need to be better about that now). When I came back to Richmond, I started working full-time and going to school again. I kept busy with that and single adult activities like institute. Then, I got married, continued work and classes and started teaching a class to young 12 and 13 year-old girls (oh my beehives, how I love them) on Sundays and participating in Tuesday night activities when I could. Still, not much time is left to developing these skills. In fact, just thinking about adding something else to my very full- plate (I'll be taking four classes this semester) overwhelms me. And yet, the desire persists.

It occurred to me, that I could create and be a co-creater of the most beautiful of creations. Jeff and I talked about having children right when we were married. It was such a hard decision, trying to find the right time to have a baby... is there every a right time? I don't know. We talked about it, prayed about and well, decided to go for it. I'm still in school... that worried me. I'll have to work after the baby is born- that is going to be challenging and hard for me. But we decided to try anyway. Well, I am happy to report that I guess Heavenly Father was ready to bless us with a baby. I do feel so blessed to be bearing a child, the most magnificent creation. How amazing it is to me, to see the physical changes with my own body and to learn of the changes taking place within my body. It truly is amazing. I am truly grateful for this opportunity that I have to be a co-creator with my husband and with God. And though, I'd still like to develop more skills (and even more have been added to the list- like sewing), my desire to create finally is starting to feel as if it's been somewhat abated.

And just for your viewing pleasure...

This is at about six weeks pregnant

The happy dad-to-be

Today- 16 weeks tomorrow. (This picture is really unflattering of me. Please forgive.)

Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership With God