Confessions of an Exhausted Mama

So for the past two weeks Caleb has not been sleeping well at all. In fact there have been several nights where Caleb was awake throughout the night more than he was asleep- which means this mama was awake more than asleep. And let me tell you, it has been hard. During these past two weeks, I have had a hard time feeling like I was a good mama and I've just been so overwhelmed with everything that I had to get done but didn't have the energy or the state of mind to complete.

There were times where I would doze off while Caleb played. I have to say that during those times, I am so grateful that he did not get hurt at all. There were some days when I just sat on the sofa or in the recliner much of the day and would ask Caleb to bring me a book to read to him or to sit in my lap and sing songs with me. I would get up the energy to get up and feed him and change his diapers and play with him on the floor for a few minutes or sit with him outside, but then that would drain any energy that I had and I would be back in my seat, just watching him play, talking to him and singing with him. I felt like an awful mother, neglectful even. Caleb deserved so much better than that. I thought, how can I possibly do this with two children? I felt so bad because I want to be able to spend as much time with Caleb and give him as much attention as I can before our new baby comes and I just couldn't do it.

These last two weeks, it's been overwhelming because of all that was said above and also because there would be days where we wouldn't go anywhere- just stay in the house (the good news is that it saved on gas). But also because if anyone came to my house, I'd be so embarrassed by the dirty dishes in the sink, the toys all over the floor, the dishtowels and tupperware all over the kitchen floor (Caleb loves to empty out the dishtowel drawer and tupperware cabinet).

We have tried so many things to get Caleb to sleep, but nothing has worked so far yet. He's been sick with a yucky cough and so I felt bad letting him cry. But, Jeff thought we should let him cry some, so we did. We let him cry for a few minutes and then went in and checked on him and loved on him. We didn't let him cry and instead held him. Nothing seemed to work, but perhaps it's because we weren't being consistent for long enough. So we, decided to try this: We'd let him cry some, but then go in and pat his back and tell him we love him, but not pick him up out of his crib. He'd continue to scream until we I couldn't take it anymore and then I'd just end up holding him until he fell asleep. He'd go to sleep and I'd place him in his crib where he would sleep for no more than 3 hours. Then he'd wake up and we'd do the same thing all over again. Sometimes he would go back to sleep quickly, after just a bit of consoling from his mama (me holding him, rocking him and singing to him). Other times he'd be up for hours. If he did go to sleep, he'd sleep for another couple of hours and then wake up. At this point, he'd be up for hours as if it were time to get up. He'd point to his door and say, "Dat. Dat."- letting me know that he wanted to leave his room. He'd also point to anything else in his room that he could see, his clock, mostly. If I was holding him, he wouldn't cry, but he also wouldn't go back to sleep.

But, after we decided to not pick him up anymore, even if he woke up in the night, he'd just cry in his crib. He would then realize that he wasn't going  to be picked up, so he'd stop crying, but still wouldn't sleep. The other night, I lay in his room while he talked to me. He would lay down sometimes for a few minutes at a time, but if I moved at all he would start crying again. I had to assure him that I wasn't going anywhere. We did this for 5 hours until finally, a little after 5 am, he and I both fell asleep. We slept until 7:30. So that night, we got 3 hours of sleep, then we were up for 5 hours and then we got about 2 hours of sleep. I was in pain and freezing from sleeping on his floor with nothing but a little baby blanket. But when he woke up, he was in a great mood. I'm grateful for that at least.

Last night, since Jeff didn't have to go to work until 8 this morning, we agreed that he would take Caleb. So we went through our regular routine, and he put Caleb to bed. Caleb cried and cried, Jeff went in patted his back, but didn't pick him up. This continued several times until Caleb finally went to sleep. He slept until 2am! (We count even the littlest victories). He went back to sleep very easily. Jeff just went into his room and Caleb immediately lay down and went back to sleep. He didn't wake up again until around 5 and that time Jeff brought him into our room where he lay in our bed until about 6:30. Caleb and Jeff got up and I continued to lay in bed for another half hour. And when I did get up, I felt great! I was in a good mood and I felt somewhat rested.

So today, Caleb and I decided to be more productive- we had breakfast, sang some songs, read some books, cleaned, read a talk from General Conference and we both took a nap. After our naps, we made and ate lunch and then we commenced to making bread. First we had to grind wheat though. So I got out the grinder and put it all together. I warned Caleb that I was going to turn it on and that it would be loud- he doesn't like noises that are too loud. He was sitting at my feet playing with the tupperware. When I turned it on, he literally became paralyzed with fear. He grabbed my pant leg with one hand, continuing to hold a piece of tupperware with the other hand. But looking down. He sat perfectly still. I felt bad so I picked him up so that he could see what was happening. I sat him on the counter beside the mill so that he could watch. He did watch and seemed much more relaxed. However, even when the mill was done, he wanted to be held for awhile.

After grinding the wheat, we got to making the bread and Caleb helped throughout the entire process. He stood in a chair by the counter, poured in flour and helped to stir. He was so happy to help his mama. It was really cute, because he would say, "mmm" while stirring and sometimes smack his lips. I had to explain to him that it wasn't ready to eat yet.

While we waited for the first 30 minutes, we talked about what we saw outside. Then we went back and added the rest of the ingredients and again stirred. He loved helping to stir. It was then time to knead. I put some flour on the table in two spots, some for me and some for him. I gave him a little dough to "knead". I worked my dough and helped him with his, as at first he just poked and prodded at the dough. Then I showed him what to do and he pushed into the dough. Finally, he decided that he just couldn't resist a taste.

Finally, we put the dough in bowls to let rise. We headed to the store just a few items. While I was at the store, my sister called and said that her van broke down on an exit ramp on the highway. She needed a ride and a ride to pick up her daughter. So, I checked when Jeff would be home- he was already on his way. Perfect.

Caleb and I came home, Jeff was home soon after. I gave Jeff instructions on when to put the bread in the oven, when to take it out and to butter it lightly on the tops. I showed him Caleb's dinner and after his shower, I headed out to get Ashley. I was kind of disappointed because Caleb and I worked pretty much all afternoon on this bread and I wanted to be able to follow it through to the end with him and be with him when we ate the first pieces warm from the oven. Alas!

Anyway, I got Ashley, we picked up my niece and headed to her house. By the time I returned home, Caleb was in bed and Jeff was hand-grinding wheat (I had asked him to grind some more so I could make some cookies).

I made myself some french toast from the yummy bread we made and then got to making cookies. They were a total fail. The wheat was too course, so they have a strange texture. Also, I didn't put quite enough sugar in them so they just don't taste very good. So sad I wasted those yummy chocolate chips.

Anyway, the point of this is to say that sleep made so much difference for me today. I felt more renewed and productive. It was wonderful. Caleb and I had a good day today and it was so wonderful to be able to have him join in with me to make bread. He was such a good helper and so happy to help, too. It was just perfect!


Here are a couple of pictures from our bread making antics:

My cute little kneader.

If you look closely, you can see that he took off several pieces to eat.