Torn

Today, starting with the wee hours of the morning as been hard for the wee one... and his mommy.

We've had lots of moments like this:

Sometimes this would help, but not for long:

But now we're finally doing this (hopefully it will last long enough for me to finish this post):

Last night, after having a crying fit at Babies R Us, he fell asleep and slept throughout the entire BYU vs. Utah game. Then, as soon as the game was over, he woke up. He actually didn't cry then, was only awake for a little while and went back to sleep. However, he woke up sometime later and just screamed and screamed and screamed. I tried nursing him and that didn't work. I changed his diaper, held him tight, spoke softly to him and finally tried nursing him again. This time it worked. He nursed and fell asleep, after pulling away and crying a little more. Then he woke up again. Same thing... this time, I took him into the living room, after trying to calm him for awhile in the bedroom. I sat in our recliner, rocked him and was able to nurse him back to sleep. We both fell asleep in the chair until he woke up once more and we he nursed back to sleep. Then, it was time to get ready for church. I nursed him to sleep and then lay him in the bed with Jeff while I showered. I guess he didn't sleep long because when I got out of the shower, he and Jeff were up walking around. I gave him a bath, which he loves! Then I got him dressed and ready for church. Well, he started screaming again, so I told Jeff that he could go without me (I should mention here, that we got up late to get ready for church- like 8:15 and church starts at 9... so we were already running late). I couldn't take a screaming baby to church, plus I felt like it would be torture for him to strap him in his carseat- even to drive two minutes (quite literally) to the church if he was screaming like that. So, Jeff left and I nursed him. Jeff came back after he had taken the sacrament (I was still nursing him when he got back). When the wee one finished up, I brushed my teeth and Jeff tried burping him. He started to fuss as we put him in his carseat, but since it wasn't a full-blown scream, we continued and headed to church. We sat out in the foyer while they finished up the sacrament meeting. He was in a very pleasant mood, though he just kept spitting up. A friend, Shannon, held him for awhile (and she continued to hold him even though he kept spitting up on her) and just oohed and ahhed over how cute he was... and he was a cutie patootie. Carrie also came over and told me how adorable my little guy was. I was just thrilled that he was in such a good mood (which I tell you, always happens. He always is cheerful when he first gets up in the morning- it's such a sweet blessing for him and for us, considering the nights that we have sometimes).

Once sacrament meeting was over, we headed to Sunday school. As soon as the opening prayer was sung, I had to take him out to change his diaper. I came back in, he was a pleasant happy baby, but then, I had to leave to change his diaper again. We got back into Sunday school and not five minutes later he started fussing again- so I took him out and walked around a bit and talked to a woman in my ward about how he has reflux and how we are trying medication and I am changing my diet- things I actually don't like talking about to too many people because I just find that people make comments about how it's crazy that I am medicating my infant or it's likely nothing in my diet (which is why I've taken so long to mention it on this blog). But really, I agonized over whether or not to give him medication. It's not the first thing I wanted to do. I do not like seeing my poor baby in so much pain and not being able to sleep. It's scary when he is unable to catch his breath and is panicking, especially in the middle of the night. And, maybe my diet has nothing to do with it, but maybe it does. It can't all be coincidences (that when I eat something with dairy, soy or corn- that's my diet by the way- staying away from those things- that he screams later- such as he's been doing since I ate things with those things in it yesterday). It really does seem like when I avoid those things, he's a much happier baby. Things had been getting better lately anyway, I don't know if it's that he's getting older and more able to tolerate things, if it's my diet or if it's the medicine, but something does seem to be working for him. He's now able to sleep for longer than thirty minute stretches at a time. He even sleeps for four hours at a time more often now and has even slept for a five-hour stretch. And even if the diet doesn't affect him, which again, I really do think it does, it is a healthier diet for me- basically no processed foods (or at least not many) and lots of fruits and veggies. The only downside is that it is really hard to find things lacking corn, soy and dairy and it's kind of an expensive diet. But again, if it's helping my boy, it's worth it. I'll try dairy again when he's four months old.

Anyway, I digress...

While we were talking, he finally fell asleep. So, I headed back towards class. Classes were switching- it was now time for Relief Society. He slept peacefully in my arms for awhile, but then he awoke and I went to change his diaper (which was a false alarm- he's been really gassy lately, too). When we returned, we weren't in for long, when he started fussing. I got out of there quick and then he started screaming. So, I walked down the hall to the mother's lounge and nursed him- which was probably more for comfort (though he could have been hungry) and we both fell asleep- until Jeff woke us thirty minutes after church had ended.

We headed home and the poor kid just started screaming again. Jeff held him and rocked him and he finally fell asleep. He lay him on the sofa and he awoke within five minutes. So I picked him up, held him tight, rocked him, talked to him and he finally fell asleep, so I lay him in his crib. He woke up not five minutes later. So I went and picked him up (I am not ready for letting him cry it out) and held him and then put him in his swing- thinking maybe that would work and it did. He was calm and Jeff and I ate our lunch as he rocked and drifted off to sleep. He slept for a little while in his swing and Jeff and I both took little naps in the living room.

He woke up and was in a much more pleasant mood. We played for a little while, sang some songs, listened to some church music, did some nursery rhymes and I even got some really fabulous smiles out of him. I then put him in his bumbo and we played with some blocks. I headed to the back and Jeff played with him and soon, he began to cry again... and basically has screamed since with just small moments of calm. I nursed him a couple of times in only a couple of hours, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. My poor baby. I just feel so bad for him. Jeff headed to chorale practice, but offered to stay home. So now it's just me and my boy.

And here's where I am torn. The moments like this is when I hate that I have a full-time job besides that of being a mother. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job a lot. But, I also enjoy being a mother and I want to be the one to comfort my poor boy when he needs comforting. If he's screaming like this tomorrow and someone else has to care for him, I just can't imagine them not getting frustrated at some point- because it's hard listening to a baby scream, holding a screaming baby and not being able to comfort him. But, I also have responsibilities at work. We are down two staff tomorrow in my classroom- which is challenging enough. Then there are other responsibilities that I need to get done and some things that I was supposed to have done by Friday and wasn't able to finish due to the lack of staffing and time this week. Work has been super stressful lately and I just feel like if I miss tomorrow (because though I didn't outrightly say it, that's the consideration) I feel like it will make it even more stressful and then life will be even harder. But, I feel guilty for even having this struggle! Aagh! It's just one big, confusing, stressful cycle. How can I balance my love of work and love of family and responsibilities and duties for work and responsibilities and duties as a wife and mother? And, how can I ask someone else to care for my little guy when he is just so uncomfortable (even if it is my mother-in-law and even if I know she'll take good care of him)? I just don't know what to do. It's enough to bring me to tears. Who knows? Maybe he'll sleep well tonight and tomorrow he will be perfectly fine. Wish me luck tomorrow.

By the way, I should mention, that though we do sometimes have fussy moments in the day and sometimes we have nights where he's up a lot- it's never been like this. He has screamed harder today than I've ever heard him scream. It is just heartbreaking... even getting his pjs on had to occur in stages as I just couldn't bear the thought of letting him scream while I got him ready for bed, however long that took- I had to take breaks and hold him, even though, he didn't stop screaming, at least I was trying to console him.

And for those wondering, he didn't stay asleep while I finished up this blogpost. He woke up, fussed a little, but is now sitting on my lap and calm as can be and falling back to sleep as I finish up.

This is a terrible picture of me- I just took it... it's been a long day, but I love my sweet boy and really am enjoying having him in my lap. :) (P.S. Kate, do you recognize what he's holding- though you can't see much of it?)