At a Loss

Tonight my heart aches. I don't even know how to begin. Early this evening, I was holding Caleb while he was sleeping in my arms. He had been asleep in his bed, but woke up crying, found me and wanted me to hold him. He went right back to sleep. As I held him, my phone rang- from across the room. I didn't want to get up and answer for fear that I'd wake Caleb. So I just let it ring. It rang again, right away. And again and again. It stopped for a few minutes and then rang again- so I got up and answered the phone, waking Caleb in the process. It was my sister, Ashley, and she was sobbing. It took her at least three times before I could understand what she was saying. I don't know if I really couldn't understand her through her sobs or if I couldn't comprehend what it was that she was saying right away. My cousin, Charne, passed away. What?! How is that even possible. I just saw her a couple of weeks ago on Christmas Eve. and she seemed fine. We had a good time, eating, talking baby and playing Uno. She had just been in the hospital and they had wanted to keep her until she delivered her baby. (Oh, by the way, she was pregnant with a little girl and due on Feb. 10th.) But, they were able to get her blood pressure down and allowed her to go home. She had another child at home, five-year old Jaishon.

Ashley didn't know the details. She just knew that she passed away and she wasn't even sure how the baby was doing. So, I called another sister, Torri, to see if she had any further information. Torri, through her tears, explained that Charne was at work and she passed out. They called 911 and she was rushed to the hospital, but her heart had stopped. The baby was delivered and is doing fine.

I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. We are due around the same time- I'm due a week and a half earlier than she. She was excited to meet her little girl and yet she left this earth before she got the chance. She didn't get to hold her baby. My heart aches for that baby who will not know her mother until after this life. My heart aches for little Jaishon who will wake up in the morning and not have his mom get him ready for school. How do you explain to a little child that their mother is not coming home? Who is going to take care of those babies? Oh, I am just so sad.

Tonight, I held Caleb and rocked him in the rocking chair. I sang to him and stroked his hair. As he fell asleep, I gently hummed and looked up at the stars that were projected onto his ceiling. I thought about how far away she will seem to her little boy and her new baby girl. I like to think that I have an understanding of what happens after death. I know that we will see Charne again, that she not lost in some abyss somewhere never to be seen again. I know that she is happy and safe. But, I just can't shake the sadness that I feel. Mostly for those babies. I thought about my own babies. What if I had to leave them? I have a hard time leaving Caleb even for a few hours. I can't imagine having to leave him for the rest of his life- I guess that part, I struggle with. And with that, just thinking about how they will grow up without their mother. I am sure we will all do whatever we can to help her babies. We will make sure that her daughter knows what kind of person she was and that her son remembers her. They will be taken care of, but it won't be easy.

I also thought about how short life really is. I wanted to sit and hold Caleb forever. I never want to forget that feeling, the closeness, the love that is shared between us, even the weight of his body on my lap and his head on my chest or his hair in my fingers. I want to cherish the moments that I have with him. I want to be making mental snapshots of all the joy that he brings into my life. I don't want to regret how I live my days, how I interact with Jeff or with Caleb or anyone else for that matter. Charne went to work this morning. Her death was completely unexpected and she's so young. We never know, we just never know and, well, when it's time for me to leave this earth, whenever that may be, I want my family- my husband, my children, my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins to all know that I love them, that I love the Lord and that I was ready to meet my Maker. So now, I resolve to do better and to be better. It's not that this hasn't always been my goal- but it is easy to get wrapped up in other things and to forget what is really important and Charne's untimely death has reawakened in me a desire to strive even a little harder to make each day count.